


The Fake Out

by at_least_i_didnt_fake_it



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexuality, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Gay Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Indian Character, Indian James Potter, Light-Hearted, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Not everyone, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Pansexual Sirius Black, Slow Burn, Unsure, but most people, probably some angst eventually, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28869417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/at_least_i_didnt_fake_it/pseuds/at_least_i_didnt_fake_it
Summary: How to Make Two People in a Heterosexual Relationship Realize They're In Love With Their Same-Sex Best Friends: A Guide by Remus Lupin and Devika Singh.Step One: Pretend to also be in a heterosexual relationship with each other, even though you're both very gay.Step Two: Be so freaking adorable that the entire school is obsessed with you.Step Three: Make said objects of affection jealous.Step Four: Reassess, because they definitely weren't supposed to be jealous of the attention your fake relationship was getting, they were supposed to be jealous of you, dammit.Step Five: Go on a double date?Remus Lupin knew, from the moment Devika Singh approached him with her ridiculous scheme to make Sirius and Marlene jealous, that he was in for a world of trouble. For one thing, both Sirius and Marlene seemed to be straight. For another, the last thing he ever wanted to do was kiss and grope a girl. But disappointing Dev was like kicking a puppy, and besides, Remus had to admit that a small part of him wanted Sirius to notice him, too...Eventual WolfStar! summary sucks i'm sorry y'allFake Dating shenanigans, and disaster gays!
Relationships: Marlene McKinnon/Original Female Character(s), Remus Lupin & Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i don't own harry potter. fuck the terf.

“Hello, Lupin.”

Remus Lupin, secret werewolf, sixth year Gryffindor, and prankster extraordinaire (alright, prankster entirely ordinaire), looked up with some bemusement from his cot in the Hospital Wing. Normally, he’d expect James or Sirius or Peter, or any combination thereof, but it couldn’t be. For one thing, his three friends had left for dinner not ten minutes before; and for another, the voice who’d spoken was decidedly of the female variety.

Indeed, standing before him was Devika Singh, one of the girls in his house and year, though she’d hardly ever spoken to him before. She looked like a woman on a mission, with a wide legged stance and her fists planted on her hips. He could see Muggle clothes peaking out from under her plain black school robes, which made sense, given that it was a Sunday and she didn’t need to be wearing her uniform. Her brown eyes were stubborn and fierce, and Remus could see her jaw working with either grim determination or nervous desperation. Possibly both. Her inky black hair was chopped above her shoulders, jagged edges brushing the bottom of her chin—had her hair been this short all year? Remus couldn’t remember. He usually lived in a little bubble of James and Sirius and Peter and occasionally the Slytherins they hexed.

Devika Singh was rarely, if ever, on his radar. She seemed to be good enough friends with the other Gryffindor girls, but she was quiet in class and didn’t socialize much with the other houses. As far as Remus knew, she was just another girl he went to school with, someone who one day might run into him and squint, trying to place him. He’d probably forget all about her once they were out of school—he already forgot about her most of the time, even though they lived in the same tower. 

Which begged the question: why in Merlin’s name was Devika Singh visiting him in the Hospital Wing in the middle of October?

“Hi.” Remus said awkwardly. 

“How are you?” Singh asked brusquely.

“Er—” To tell the truth, Remus was bored and restless; the full moon had fallen on a Thursday, so Madam Pomfrey had insisted on keeping him the whole weekend instead of the usual two days. Now, on Sunday afternoon, Remus was itching to get back to Gryffindor tower to spend time with his friends. Of course, he said none of this to Singh. “Better.”

“Good.” Singh said.

Silence filled the air. Remus waited for her to say something else, but whatever was on her mind wasn’t encouraging her to speak. He counted to fifteen, each moment stretching painfully longer than the last.

“Can I help you?” Remus finally asked.

Singh blinked at him, then nodded vigorously. Her mouth opened, then snapped shut again. She chewed on her lip.

Remus was normally a rather tolerant fellow—one had to be, to be friends with James Potter and Sirius Black after all—but his patience was wearing thin. “Can you tell me how I can help you?” He prompted, his voice carefully polite.

Singh blinked again. Then, it seemed, a switch flipped. “Right! I’m so sorry in advance. I’m well aware that this is quite a lot to ask of you, and ordinarily I really wouldn’t, because I don’t believe in long sustained lies, especially when hearts are at stake—well, I suppose I do believe in them, now, it would be quite hypocritical for me to claim I don’t endorse them when that’s exactly what I’m doing, wouldn’t it?—but at any rate, this is a harebrained scheme even for me, which is saying something, you know—well, you don’t know, actually, we hardly talk, but if you wanted to verify what I’m saying you could just ask Lily or Mary or Marlene or Janet—”

Good god, did this girl only have two modes? “Er—Singh,” Remus cut in, “Breathe.”

Singh cut herself off and did as directed, taking a shaky breath. It seemed to calm her down, because she looked at him directly with a rather sheepish grin. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I know I’m not making sense.”

She wasn’t, but Remus was nothing if not polite. “I understood most of it,” he lied. “But you haven’t really told me what you’re doing here.” He blinked. “Come to think of it, how did you know I was here?”

“I bribed Potter to tell me by promising him I’d tell Lily he helped me in Muggle Studies,” Singh waved her hand dismissively. “A cold, eh? Pepper-up not working properly?”

“You know how Madam Pomfrey gets,” Remus said, shrugging. Inwardly he was cursing James—sure, he didn’t mind people knowing once or twice a year that he was in the Hospital Wing, especially as it was mid-October—but couldn’t he have come up with a better lie? And there was something else… “Helped you with Muggle Studies? Aren’t you Muggleborn?” 

A rather devious smile pulled at Singh’s mouth. Strange—he wouldn’t have pegged her as the mischievous type. “Sharp as ever, Lupin. Potter didn’t even seem to notice I haven’t been to class even once in the three years he's taken it.” She seemed delighted with herself, not even a little offended by James’ utter lack of regard. “You know, I—”

“Er, what did you want to ask me?” Remus cut her off before she could go on another tangent. He picked up the glass of water by his bedside and sipped at it.

Singh blinked for a second, confused. Then, her eyes widened with realization.

“Right! Sorry.” Apprehension bled into her eyes once more, and she cleared her throat. “Do you want to date me?”

Remus choked on his water, spraying everywhere and sloshing it down his front.

“I _beg_ your pardon?” He gasped.

“Fake date me, that is,” Singh added.

 _“Why?”_ Remus coughed, expelling some more water unceremoniously. “For Merlin’s sake, couldn’t you have waited til after I’d swallowed?”

“How was I supposed to know you’d be so horrified?” Singh said indignantly, and perhaps a little hurt. “I didn’t think I was as repulsive as that!”

“No— no, you’re not,” Remus hastened to say, feeling a little shameful now. “You’re great, really—”

“You don’t even know me—”

“Well I’m sure you’re great, then—”

“But for all you know I’m a right troll—”

“You’re not a troll,” Remus said, exasperated, “you smell too nice.”

Singh blinked at him, the wind taken out from her sails. “Thanks,” she said, twirling a lock of short hair around her finger, “I’m using a new shampoo. Pumpkin and—”

“Anyway,” Remus said hastily, before she could get carried away again. “Why do you want me to fake-date you?” He wondered if he should be insulted by the ‘fake’ part of it; he rather wanted to be, but any indignation he felt was outweighed by the enormous relief that she wasn’t _actually_ asking him out. 

“Ah. Yes. That.” Singh bit her lip, then said, in a voice that was not quite casual, “You’re going to think this is pathetic.”

“I’m sure I won’t,” Remus said kindly.

“It’s because Marlene and Sirius are going out right now and I want them to break up.”

Remus blinked. A slow, dull anger started to burn in him. He knew that Sirius was the object of many girls’ affection—obsession, if one wanted to be precise—but this was galling. Nobody had ever had the nerve to approach Remus to use him in order to make Sirius jealous. His jaw clenched tight. “You’re right, I do think that’s pathetic.”

Singh winced, and to Remus’s mounting fury, she looked entirely desperate. “I know it is, and of course it’s reasonable for you to refuse, I didn’t expect anything else, really. It’s just that, well, I didn’t know what else to do!”

“Maybe tell him, for starters,” Remus growled. 

“Well, I’ve tried, but it’s really hard. You’re the only one who knows, you see, I haven’t told any of the girls because I was scared, and you’ve known for years and never said anything so I really thought you were my only option. As for confessing, well, you never know how someone will react, and of course there are two confessions in one, so it’s even _more_ complicated, and—” she cut herself off suddenly, then stared at him, bemused. “Sorry, wait. Him?”

Remus felt his jaw work angrily. “Yes, of course.”

But Singh continued to stare at him as if he’d grown two heads. _“Him?”_ She echoed in disbelief.

She looked so utterly lost that Remus felt his fury begin to give way to confusion. “Er, you were talking about Sirius, right? You… you want me to fake-date you to make him jealous?”

Singh shook her head emphatically. “I’m not interested in _Sirius Black,_ you ninny!”

Remus stared at her uncomprehendingly.

She put her face into her hands, and it was only then, looking at the contrast, that Remus realized she was blushing furiously. When she spoke, her voice came out muffled. “I’m in love with Marlene, not Sirius.”

_Oh._

Remus certainly hadn’t been expecting that. His ire vanished at once (and no, he told himself sternly, it _wasn’t_ because he no longer thought she was interested in Sirius, Sirius was entirely irrelevant to it all—oh, who was he kidding?) and he felt a swoop of guilt at how he’d callously called her pathetic.

“I, er—I didn’t know it was like that,” he said softly. What did one say to a confession like that? What did he wish someone would say to him, if he ever told anyone? “She’d be lucky to have you, you know.”

Singh peeked out at him from between her fingers. It was kind of adorable, Remus thought, amused. Girls were cute, he decided, in the way that baby animals or younger cousins were. “You think so?” She asked, her voice achingly hopeful. Remus smiled at her.

“Well, probably. For all I know, you’re a right troll.” He teased. She grinned back at him, moving her hands to cup her still-red cheeks.

“Can’t be. I smell too nice.” She quipped.

“Maybe,” Remus shrugged. “Or maybe this cold is blocking my nose and I only think you smell nice because—”

“Yes, yes, you’ve made your point,” Singh said, rolling her eyes. “I’m at least half-troll and the only reason you’re able to stand my presence is because you’re terribly ill.”

She paused, and it occurred to Remus that this was by far the longest conversation he’d ever had with her. It wasn’t half-bad, either—she had a tendency to ramble, and a more annoying habit of interrupting, but… she could take a joke, and she seemed like a nice enough girl.

“Well, I’m sorry for wasting your time,” she said, her tone slightly self-deprecating, “I really hope you feel better soon.” She pulled a small bag out of the pocket of her robes and set it on the small table by his cot. As she turned to leave, Remus peered over into the bag. Inside was a small box of chocolates from Honeydukes. They should have been slightly melted by now, but she must have charmed them to remain cooled until she handed them over.

It had been very thoughtful of her.

Remus made a face. Against his better judgement, he called out to her. “Wait.”

Singh, who was nearly at the door to the infirmary by now, turned around and looked at him quizzically.

Remus ran a hand through his honey brown hair. “I’ll do it,” he sighed.

Singh blinked. “What?”

“I’ll fake date you to make Marlene jealous.” He groaned.

And the wide, maniacal grin that broke out on Devika Singh’s face at his words was enough to make Remus ignore the little voice in his head, telling him that this was a terrible idea.


	2. Chapter 2

On Sunday night, Remus was finally released from the Hospital Wing. He went straight back to the Gryffindor common room, and his friends greeted him with loud whoops and cheers. One might have guessed, Remus thought dryly to himself, that they hadn’t seen him in years; their visit to the Hospital Wing mere hours before seemed to have been forgotten entirely. Still, he couldn’t help feeling a warm flush of pleasure rise up in him at their enthusiasm.

It is a wonderful feeling indeed, being loved.

He started a game of Exploding Snap with James and Peter as Marlene and Sirius snogged on the couch. Once, he glanced over to where the rest of the girls sat, at the other end of the common room. He caught a glimpse of Singh’s jagged black hair, bent over her parchment, frowning down at the words she had written. Her leg was bouncing up and down, shaking the table with nervous energy. 

“Oi, Moony, it’s your turn!” James said impatiently. Remus startled and just barely managed to place his next card down before the pile exploded in James’ face, singeing his eyebrows. 

“Better luck next time, Prongs,” Peter snickered.

Remus didn’t think about Devika Singh for the rest of the evening.

By half-past ten, the sixth year boys retired for the night, though not entirely by choice. The ever irascible fifth and seventh years, tormented by the prospect of doing their OWL and NEWT exams at the end of the year, had sent Head Girl Alice Yang to tell them off, and the boys respected her enough to do it. 

Remus crawled into bed around midnight, sighing contentedly as he slipped under the covers of his four poster bed. After sleeping in a small, hard, cot for the past four nights, he was glad to be back in his dorm.

It was then that James remembered the events of the afternoon.

“Oi, Moony,” he asked curiously, sitting up and nonverbally casting Lumos around them. “What did Singh want from you, anyway?”

 _Bollocks._ This was the last thing Remus wanted to try and explain.

“Singh?” Asked Sirius with a snort. “What are you talking about?”

“She came up to me this morning and begged me to tell her where Moony was,” James snickered. Remus saw him waggling his eyebrows suggestively in the dim light. “She was quite beside herself, actually. I managed to dupe her into putting in a good word with Lily.”

Peter and Sirius laughed. 

Remus snorted. “Yeah, she told me about that,” he said, unable to hide his grin. “You know, she doesn’t even take Muggle Studies, Prongs, she’s Muggleborn. You were the one duped, my friend.”

James’ face fell for a second, then he smirked and shrugged. “Well, it’s still believable, isn’t it? Me helping Singh, even if it’s with Muggle stuff?” He leaned over without looking so Sirius could smack his palm with his own.

“And how’s that?” Remus asked, bemused but still in good humor.

Sirius let out a guffaw. “Come off it, Moony.” There was something scathing in his tone, something that set Remus slightly on edge.

“What?” He asked, entirely perplexed.

All three of his friends stared at him for a moment, disbelieving looks on each face. Even Peter, who was normally the most likely of the lot to be left out of the loop, had that infuriating expression saying that he knew something Remus didn’t.

“Never mind,” said James after a deliberate pause. “You never told us what she wanted.”

Peter snickered. “Isn’t it obvious, Prongs?” He tried to wiggle his own eyebrows, but only managed to raise and lower them at an odd, staccato beat.

“No, Wormy,” said Sirius in a bored, flat, sardonic tone that went over Peter’s head. “Tell us more.”

“You know,” said Peter eagerly, thrilled at being the center of attention. He leaned in and his grin turned rather lewd. “It seems to me that Singh wants to know exactly what Moony can do with his wand... if you know what I mean.” He winked with all the delicacy of a Flobberworm.

Subtlety, thy name is _not_ Peter Pettigrew.

“We all know what you mean, Wormtail,” James said, looking torn between amusement at Peter’s expense and disgust by his bawdy delivery. 

Remus felt his stomach turn. Of course, since he’d never told any of his mates the truth, none of them had the faintest clue that he had never, and would never, feel the slightest attraction towards a girl. He supposed they all assumed he was hesitant because of his furry little problem—and certainly, that was a part of it. Werewolves were solitary creatures; the few others Remus had met, back when his father had hauled him across the country in hopes of finding some sort of cure, had been lonely and reserved, removed from society through self-exile and banishment. This was common knowledge, of course. Remus knew the lads assumed that this was all there was to his aversion to dating; the fear that he’d hurt any girl he’d come close to.

But the truth was that Remus had loved Sirius Black since their third year, when Sirius found out that Remus was a werewolf and hadn’t flinched or run or called him a monster. Instead, he’d looked at him with those clear, grey eyes, and he’d hugged him tightly, pressed so close together that Remus could hear Sirius’s heart beating steadfast in his chest. 

“I’m not sleeping with Devika Singh,” Remus heard himself say rather severely. To his surprise, all three boys burst out laughing.

“Well, of course you’re not!” James choked, shaking with suppressed giggles. “For Merlin’s sake, Moony, we know you have better taste than that!”

Remus frowned. He knew quite well that his friends were quite capable of being callous, and had more than once wanted to say something about it. He never did—he was a coward, and he wouldn’t dare tell off the first three people who had ever attempted to be his friend. “She’s not that bad,” he protested. “She’s… rather sweet, actually.”

She’d brought him Honeydukes chocolates, after all.

Sirius let out a rather cruel snort. “Come off it, Moony,” he said disbelievingly. “It was funny at first, but—”

“I’m not joking!” Remus said hotly. “There’s nothing wrong with her!”

Where did this new, protective streak come from, anyway? Remus had never thought twice about Devika Singh before, and he was sure she’d come up in conversation with the lads before, though for the life of him he couldn’t remember what they’d said about her. But for some reason, he couldn’t stand for it—not when it was about her. He didn’t know why—maybe it was just because she’d done something nice for him, even though he hadn’t agreed to the favor she’d asked for. Perhaps he’d felt bad for the way her shoulders had slumped when he’d called her pathetic. 

Maybe it had everything to do with the fact that she was like him. That she loved the way he did. 

Sirius snorted sarcastically. “Oh, yeah, nothing wrong with her at all. You’d be bored to tears, and you know it!”

“And why’s that?” Asked Remus, a little sharply. 

Sirius gave him a slack-jawed look and exchanged wary glances with James. All of a sudden, the boys looked a little awkward, like whatever they were thinking, they didn’t quite want to say it out loud.

“Well?” Remus asked impatiently.

“She’s a verifiable dimwit, Moony.”

Self-awareness, thy name is _also_ not Peter Pettigrew.

Remus frowned. “No, she’s not.” He said with utmost certainty. He’d found her funny that evening, a little scatterbrained, but certainly not unintelligent.

“Er—” James coughed a little. “Actually, Wormtail has a point.”

“Haven’t you seen her in class?” Sirius asked. “She’s always got extra homework from McGonagall and Flitwick because she can never get a spell right, even by the end of a double block. It’s honestly a wonder she got into any NEWT classes at all—and by my count, she’s only in four of them.”

“She only got four OWLS?” Peter snickered. The other three ignored him; they all knew quite well that if they hadn’t helped Peter study, he wouldn’t have gotten any more than that, either.

“She’s not a dimwit,” Remus repeated firmly. “My conversation with her was perfectly pleasant.”

Okay, that might have been a bit of an exaggeration—she’d spoken in a clumsy, disorganized manner, and it had been a bit like pulling teeth to get her to come to the point. Still, that only revealed a somewhat flighty thought process and a lack of focus. 

“What did she want, anyway?” James asked. “We keep getting sidetracked, and you haven’t answered the question.”

Remus clenched his jaw. “She asked me to go to Hogsmeade with her,” he said, the lie slipping easily off his tongue. He hoped she wouldn’t mind—they had agreed to fake date, after all. 

Sirius choked.

“And I said yes.” He finished firmly.

The boys gaped at him.

“You—” James said faintly, “ _you_ agreed to go on a date? With _Devika Singh?_ You?”

“Yes,” said Remus shortly. “Me.”

“But we thought—”

“What, that I had no interest in dating?” Remus said. His voice was calm, but there was a hint of steel to it, one that he rarely ever used with the lads. “You thought wrong.”

“But—” It was Sirius who spoke this time, and a part of Remus was delighted to see that he didn’t look very pleased by this turn of events at all. “Singh? Really?”

“Yes, really.” Remus snapped. Honestly, this was too much. There really was nothing wrong with the poor girl, except perhaps a somewhat severe case of nervous babbling, and to be fair, if Remus had to approach someone he’d hardly ever talked to in order to convince them to fake date him, he wasn’t sure he’d be particularly eloquent, either. As for her schoolwork—well, there was certainly more important qualities in life than good grades, wasn’t there? Weren’t they all friends with Peter? 

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, his eyes searching Remus’s. Remus had to force himself not to blush at the intensity of his gaze. Sirius’s lip curled. “I give it two weeks,” he said sourly, before turning his back to Remus and getting under the covers. He pointed his wand at the light and nonverbally turned it off.

Remus gritted his teeth angrily. “Piss off, Sirius.”

The dorm room fell into uneasy silence. Remus felt resolute: tomorrow, he’d talk to Devika Singh and make sure she knew that he was all in, that he’d be the best damn fake boyfriend there ever was, and he’d do everything in his power to make sure Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon knew it.

* * *

On Monday morning, Remus woke up late and rushed to breakfast with his robes half pulled on, shovelling toast down his throat before jogging to his NEWT Transfiguration class with the rest of the Marauders in tow. He spent the rest of the day catching up on his missed schoolwork, getting a head start on that week’s homework, and trying to stop James from hexing Augustus Mulciber in the hallways.

Tuesday afternoon, he started looking around for Devika Singh, but every time he saw her, she was talking with Lily Evans or Janet Bell. He tried all evening to catch her eye, but she hadn’t looked over even once. That was fine, he told himself. He’d just talk to her the next day.

But on Wednesday, he couldn’t manage to get Singh alone for a single moment. It was endlessly frustrating, really—every time he walked up to her, one of her friends was at her side, grabbing her arm and pulling her attention away. She didn’t even seem to realize that Remus wanted to talk to her; either she was entirely oblivious, or she was doing her best to avoid him. He started to get annoyed; one would think this fake dating plan was _his_ grand idea, or worse, that he’d made the entire plot up in his head.

By Thursday, Remus decided that he’d had enough. After his Ancient Runes class, he walked purposefully back to Gryffindor tower, determined to find Singh and sort out their plan once and for all. For the first time that week, luck was on his side: Singh was sitting in one of the armchairs in the back of the common room, facing away from the entrance. Remus strode over to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“We need to talk,” he said.

Singh started and looked up at him. She blinked. She did that often, he noted. Her eyes slid over to her left. Remus followed her gaze.

To his surprise, Janet Bell was lying down beside Singh, her head resting on Singh’s lap. She looked at him warily—she’d been a frequent target of James and Sirius’s pranks back in second year and hadn’t trusted any of the boys since. “Lupin,” she said, a little coldly.

“Hi, Janet.” He turned his attention back to Singh and jerked his head. “Can I have a moment?”

“Er—” she glanced down at Janet, and then looked back up at him. “Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?”

“One of the practice classrooms should be empty by now,” Remus replied. 

Janet’s gaze slid suspiciously from Singh to Remus and back again. “What’s going on?”

Both Remus and Singh froze. Remus felt awkward; it was clear that Janet had no idea about her friend’s plan to break up Sirius and Marlene, but he didn’t know what excuse he could give. 

“Er—”

“Transfiguration homework,” Singh said quickly. “Remus is helping me with the Vanishing spell.”

“But I thought you’d already gone over them with McGonagall in your remedial class last Tuesday!” Janet argued.

Remus frowned. She had remedial lessons with McGonagall? He’d never heard of anyone doing that—nor had he heard of McGonagall offering them. 

Faint splashes of color rose on Singh’s cheeks as she looked sideways at Remus. Too late, he schooled his expression into something more neutral.

“Thanks, Janet,” she said tightly. “It just hasn’t fully clicked for me yet, and McGonagall wanted me to master it by Friday.”

“But Devi, you Vanished Mary’s glass of pumpkin juice perfectly last weekend at dinner,” Janet argued.

“Well, I could always use more practice,” Singh said primly.

“Since when did you put in any more effort than you needed to master a spell?” Janet asked incredulously.

Singh’s slight blush turned a bright red. “Since now, Jan, okay?”

“But—”

“Oh for heaven’s sake Janet, we both obviously know I’m lying, just pretend you believe me and let me leave with a shred of my dignity intact, will you?” Singh interrupted her, jumping up onto the couch and leaping over the back of it. She grabbed Remus’s arm and turned back to her friend. “Now, Lupin and I are going to go practice the Vanishing Spell. Ah-ah!” She waggled her finger at Janet, who had opened her mouth to protest. “Remember, dignity. I have some of it. Somewhere.”

She spun around and flounced out of the common room, dragging Remus with her. 

“I can’t believe her,” she grumbled as they walked down to the charms corridor. “She was trying to embarrass me, the stupid cow. Did a damn good job of it too.”

Remus coughed, jerking his head to an empty classroom. She followed him in, still raging.

“Just you wait, we’ll get back and she’ll have put it about that we’ve been shagging for months—”

“I beg your pardon?”

Singh waved her hand dismissively. “No doubt she thinks that’s why you just dragged me away rather unceremoniously. You couldn’t have thought up an excuse before you got there? I’m not very good when I have to come up with them on the spot.”

Remus’s eyes narrowed. “Well, Singh, I wouldn’t have had to just drag you away if you’d talked to me over the past few days to figure out this fake dating thing.”

Singh blinked. “That’s fair enough,” she admitted. “You ought to call me Devi, by the way. Nobody would believe we’re together if you’re calling me Singh.”

Remus nodded. She was right. Perhaps Sirius could get away with that sort of thing, as a sort of charming flirtation, but he certainly couldn’t. “Alright—Devi,” he said, trying it out.

She smiled back at him. “Alright—Remus.”

Neither of them said anything for a few long moments. The silence stretched beyond camaraderie and began to feel stifling and awkward. 

“So, er…” Remus said, casting his mind about for something to say. “What do we do now?”

Devi tilted her head to the side. She looked suddenly very embarrassed. “Well… I suppose we ought to discuss how we’re going to make it look like we’re dating.”

“Right,” Remus said, his brow furrowing. “It’ll really look like it came out of nowhere. I mean, I did tell my mates we were going to Hogsmeade together next week—I hope that’s okay—but how are we going to make it believable when we’ve never shown the slightest hint of interest in each other?”

Devi brightened. “Well, actually, about that, the girls all think I’ve fancied you since third year.”

Remus blinked. Then he blinked again. “I _beg_ your pardon?”

“You know, you really overuse that phrase, you’ve said it twice already today. And I remember you said it before, too, when I first asked you to date me. Fake date me. Remember? You spit out water, and then it was something about me being a troll, but not actually a troll because I smell too good. Anyway, you really ought to vary it up a bit—”

“Devi, focus.”

“Right, yes.” She cocked her head to the side. “What was your question again?”

It had been ‘I beg your pardon,’ but there was no way Remus was repeating that. “Why do the girls think you’ve fancied me since third year?”

“Oh,” Devi said. “That would be because they asked me which lad I thought was fit, and I panicked and said you.”

Remus’s brows furrowed. “Why didn’t you just say you didn’t fancy anyone?”

“What part of ‘I panicked’ escaped you?” Devi shot back. She ran a hand through her short hair, embarrassed. “I wasn’t exactly about to say that I’d rather see Marlene’s tits than snog one of you.”

“Fair enough,” Remus said, raising his palms placatingly. “Alright, so it’ll be believable.”

“In terms of narrative, at least.” Devi pointed out. “The rest of it is really just for us to act like we’re in a relationship.”

They both fell silent at that. Remus felt his face burn. 

“Er… how exactly do we do that?”

Devi tilted her head. “Well… I suppose we ought to hold hands.”

“Right.”

“We should sit together during some meals, I think.”

“What about classes?”

“No!” Devi said quickly, her cheeks flushing slightly. “No, don’t—don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’d much rather be with the lads.”

Remus was utterly mystified by her reaction, but he decided to let it go. “Alright. Hand-holding, and meals. Is that all? That can’t be all, that’s not very convincing.”

Devi shrugged. “Well, except for one drunken snog, I haven’t had any experience myself. I’m open to ideas.”

Remus felt himself turn red. He hadn’t even had that. “I don’t have ideas,” he ground out. 

Devi narrowed her eyes. “You live with Sirius, don’t you? What does he do with Marlene?”

“They snog,” Remus said. “And you live with Marlene, you should know, too.”

“All Marlene talks about is the way he kisses her,” Devi grumbled, “And we’re definitely not kissing.”

“No,” Remus agreed. Then he thought about it. “Wouldn’t that make it unbelievable, though?”

“Not necessarily,” Devi said thoughtfully. “We might just be the kind of couple who likes to keep things private.” Then she frowned. “But not so private that everyone thinks we’re entirely celibate.” She sighed. “Damn, this is more complicated than I thought. Are you sure Sirius just snogs her?”

“Er—sometimes he grabs her arse,” Remus offered.

Devi blinked. “Should we…” she trailed off awkwardly.

“What?” Remus prompted after a few moments. He had a feeling he knew what she was hinting at. His stomach turned.

“Should we try that?” She asked, coughing slightly. It did little to hide the look of discomfort on her face. “It’s worth a shot.”

“Er—” Remus had never felt more awkward in his life. He thought about it for a second. What was the worst that could happen? “Alright.”

She shuffled forwards, facing him.

“No—” Remus said, feeling his face burn with embarrassment. “Stand next to me, the way you are right now makes more sense during kissing.”

“Oh.”

Devi turned and stepped back so she was standing next to him. Remus reached out, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Don’t close your eyes!” Devi squeaked. “That makes it weirder!”

“Right,” Remus gritted out. He opened them again, just as his hand landed on the curve of Devi’s bum. He hovered there for a second, swallowing hard.

“Don’t just linger there!” Devi hissed. “Squeeze it already!”

He braved a glance over at her to see her face screwed up and her eyes shut tight. “Hang on,” he said indignantly. “If I can’t close my eyes, then neither can you!”

She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like _fucking hell,_ but opened her eyes anyway. Remus swallowed hard, bracing himself.

Then, he squeezed.

They sprang apart.

“Nope,” Devi said, shaking her head vigorously and her voice a higher pitch than usual. “No, we’re not doing that.”

“Agreed,” said Remus heartily, shaking his hand to try and get rid of the feeling in his palm. 

He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. He wanted a time turner to make sure the last few minutes never happened. He wanted death. He welcomed death. He had never in his life wanted to die as badly as he did now. If there was a higher power, they would let Remus just wink out of existence, or spontaneously combust, or Vanish on the spot.

Alas, the powers-that-be were feeling merciless that day.

Dickwads.

“We can just stick to hand-holding and dinners for now,” Devi said, her voice a little frantic. “Thanks for trying, but I think I’d rather die than have a lad’s hand on my bum ever again.”

“We could—” Remus cast about his thoughts wildly for an idea, and nearly sobbed with relief as they came to him. “We could hug! Couples hug!”

“Of course!” Devi said, a note of hysteria creeping into her voice now. “Hugs! Hugs are good! Better than arse-squeezing!”

 _Depends on who’s squeezing whose arse,_ Remus thought before he could stop himself. He swallowed. The last thing he needed was to imagine Sirius’s hands on his bum, thank you very much. 

“Right. And, er, kisses on the cheek?” He threw out wildly.

“And on the forehead!” Devi squeaked.

“Side hugs?”

“And inside jokes!”

“And whispering secrets!”

“But definitely no arse-grabbing,” Devi said again.

“No,” Remus agreed forcefully, “Absolutely not.”

They stared at each other for a moment. He could see his humiliation reflected on her face. 

He looked down, unable to meet her eye. 

“Well—I’ve decided that I’m going to come down with dragonpox tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll die.” Devi said, her voice falsely bright.

Remus felt a rather deranged laugh bubble up in his throat. “Dragonpox won’t kill you.”

“More’s the shame,” Devi muttered. She looked at him hopefully. “Spattergroit?”

Remus shook his head. “Takes too long. Also, it’s highly contagious, so you’d be giving it to half of Gryffindor tower before you passed.”

“Damn. Mumblemumps?”

“Madam Pomfrey can cure it in a heartbeat.”

“Well, shit.” Devi glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Any ideas?”

Remus shrugged helplessly. “You could try a poison?”

Devi shook her head. “I live with potions goddess Lily Evans, she’d never let me die from a poison. Bloody bitch.”

Remus laughed. After a moment, Devi joined in. They laughed and laughed until they were doubled over and wheezing, trying to catch their breath, until one of them let out a giggle and they were set off again. 

The stifling awkwardness between them eased. It was just a sliver—Remus still would like nothing more than the ground to swallow him whole—but it was enough for him to know that he and Devi would be fine. 

“We don’t have to do this,” Devi said quietly, once the uncontrollable giggles had stopped. She was breathing heavily from the force of her laughs, face red and a little sweaty. “I—I dunno if you want to be with anyone, you know, for real, and I know I’m asking a lot of you—”

“It’s alright,” Remus said, his sides aching. He grinned over at her. “I—I don’t mind. Really.”

“Yeah?” Devi said, her tone slightly disbelieving. “Even after—” she brought up her hand and mimed squeezing the air obscenely, and Remus sputtered with another embarrassed wheeze of laughter. 

“Let’s never mention that again,” Remus begged. _“Please.”_

Devi let out another choked laugh. “Yeah,” she squeaked, “alright.”

And with that matter settled, Devi Singh and Remus Lupin were officially in a fake relationship.

Let the games begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god, the second hand shame i felt *writing* this chapter... holy shit. i hope it wasn't *too* horrible and that my sense of humor isn't that bad lol. thanks for reading!!! as always, constructive criticism appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> hi y'all! so i have recently been OBSESSED with fake dating tropes, and ofc i'm obsessed with wolfstar, so i figured i'd combine the two. obviously most fake dating stories end up with the fake daters actually in love with each other, but i kind of love the idea that they don't actually end up together and instead end up as best friends, so that's what we're doing here. plus, i'm a queer brown woman and i wanted to write a marauders fanfic with a queer brown woman lol. i hope y'all enjoy, and if u want i'd love some constructive criticism :) always tryna improve my writing. thanks so much for reading! love y'all!


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